Long Time

I haven't posted anything in such a long time.  I have missed writing, but my heart had not been in it for a while.  I guess I needed a break.  But I needed to write today.  No promises that I am back, lol.

I have been keeping most things to myself, and that is probably not good.  Mainly, I have been holding in things about my child. I am sometimes hyperfocused on her and it has effected everything in my life.

Helen has had a very difficult few years. Most recently it came to out attention that she was cutting herself.  Also, after she kept gaining more and more weight, we finally had to admit there was problem.  She has an eating disorder.  This has not been an easy thing to deal with.  I, too, have had food issues over the years.

When I was younger, I had bulimia.  Not the eat and puke kind.  And I didn't truly BINGE in the way that one would expect.  However, the fact remains that if I had large meal or some thing "bad" I would skip meals for days and exercise like mad to make up for it.  I was consumed with guilt over things like a fast food burger or dessert.  I could not eat more than one plate on Thanksgiving.  I refused most treats.  I never ate lunch.  Ever.  No matter how hungry I was.

Why do we do this?  I really don't know why Helen does it.  We have tried to not nit pick about her weight, or her appearance.  But as things have gotten out of hand, we try to get her to make good choices, which has led her to rebel and make even worse ones.  The healthier we try to become, the more determined she is to fight it.  

My reason? Oh, where to begin?  I guess it is fair to say my parents were not much help. My mother was always very critical of everything.  I do recall when I was 8 or so I went to a 50th wedding anniversary party for a couple from church.  They had a fancy cake with butter cream frosting and gold dragees.  I thought it was beautiful and wanted those gold edible beads..... so I kept getting cake.  Really, I wasn't even EATING it, I was stashing those beads in a napkin!  But my mother told me that everyone was staring at the "fat girl" taking all the cake. I think that is what set me up for the "eat in front of no one" mentality that has shaped my entire existence.

There is much, much more to my story, but I will save it for later.