?????????

I simply MUST ask- why would someone with 6 children already take fertility treatments?  Seriously.  I understand wanting children.  I totally get that.  I know that "just one more" can turn into twins, triplets or more.  But why would you take fertility treatments when you already have a half dozen mouths to feed.  Of course, I cannot fathom having 13 more talking to me the way Helen has been lately..........

Snow Day

I heard on the radio as I am in the shower getting ready for work that school is closed.  Sweet.  It had really just started snowing when I got up, but it isn't going to ease up and there will be ice this afternoon, so the schools went ahead and closed.  As an educator, I can say that it does make sense to go ahead and close.  It really is difficult to open for a few hours and then worry about shutting down, plus the safety of all the children and potential lawsuits (crashed buses, falling parents and kids, etc.).

Unfortunately, the next door neighbor is also off and showed up at 7:30 this morning.  And the bad attitude started already for the girl.  This will continue throughout the day and escalate until I am ready to scream.  I hate dealing with those two girls together.  Sometimes I wish we could just move.

UPDATE- The kids went ice skating with next door people.  They should be nice and tired when they get home and Helen has work to do.  Should be fun.....

It is official

I was announced as the teacher for the new pre K at school.  I will be full time next year, if not sooner.  Of course, I knew that once I started thinking about preschool I would not want to be a librarian any more.  I don't want to checkout books today; I want to look at catalogs and make lesson plans for 4 year olds instead.

Sunday night

The weekend is over (almost).   Sunday has become a day of getting ready for Monday.  I am washing uniforms, folding towels, cleaning up, mopping.....  I still need to enter some grades, make lesson plans and take care of craft fair business.  I don't want to do any of it.  As I said my life is currently one of obligation.  I know millions of other moms are out there, doing the same things tonight and hating it.  I am glad to be back at work, don't get me wrong, but knowing I had more time to get things done so that I could spend weekends and evenings with family was quite nice.

To quote Steve Martin in Parenthood "My whole life is 'have- to'."

i am old....

i can deal with the flabby, stretch mark covered belly and the boobs i can tuck into my belt- but, please, please, please tell me------WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY NECK?  it is covered in loose, wrinkled chicken skin.  i will need a turtle neck swimsuit this year........

thinking about the old days....

I've been looking at Facebook lately and seeing names I used to know.  And of course, I think of how I used to be.  My dreams from youth are very different from the reality that I now live.  I had hoped to travel the world, go to parties, live in a big city.  I am 41 and haven't been very far from home.    I don't have many friends these days, much less get invited to lavish parties and I live in a town very not much bigger than the one I grew up in.   I was brave enough to pack up and move to California when I was 21, I couldn't do it now.

Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself.  My life has become one of expectations and deadlines.  I am that mom from school that seems to be everywhere and do everything because no one else wants to, but is often forgotten at the end of the day.  When you make a list of people and you just know you left someone out, but you can't figure out who, it is probably me.  I think at one time I was special.  I definitely stood out.  Unfortunately hearing negative messages from people who are supposed to love you tends to break one down.  No matter how many years pass, one never really gets over it.  That is my burden- I keep to myself and hide from the world.  I would never do anything that would draw attention or make me look stupid.  I miss a lot of fun that way.  It has been years since I got away from someone who wanted to keep me in "my place", but the other one is someone I can't escape, ever.  I tell myself that I am not who that person thinks I am, but I still hear those messages play in my head any way.  I wish I could go back to a time when it didn't bother me, when I thought all was great and wonderful, but it seems impossible.

Wow, this is  a vague and sad little post.  I am not depressed, this is just what I carry in my heart everyday.  I sometimes look at David and wonder if he is ashamed to be seen with me, too.  If there will ever be a time that he doesn't want anyone to know he is with me.  And I am so afraid of turning into my mother that I barely want to talk to her.  She is so very good at pointing out my shortcomings.  She even told me the other day that I need to take parenting classes.  This coming from the woman who neglected me most of my life and hit me with a barrage of verbal abuse every morning of high school.  I want to hang up on her- give her the "silent treatment" like she always did to me, then suddenly talk to her when I finally felt like it with no explanation......  Can you tell I am really angry?  Well, I am.  

Back to school

I had a four day weekend.  W went to see Hotel for Dogs yesterday.  I am certain that Dr. King fought and gave his life so that we may take a day off from learning and serving others to watch a movie in the middle of the day. 

As per my previous post I bought a new calendar.  I have always carried one (in high school it was often referred to as my "brain").  This and lack of to do lists are part of my problem.  (Spending too much time on the computer is another).  

The other problem is I haven't been taking time to pray.  No matter what your beliefs, quiet reflection is beneficial.  Meditation is merely quiet prayer.  It just may not be directed to God.  I need to focus, seek guidance and forgive.  I am stressed, it is effecting every aspect of my life and I am really just in "shut down" mode.   I don't want to do anything because I would have to think and thinking makes me mad.  SO, I need to get past this.

As for you, ****, here is my first step.  Matthew 12":17- Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody."  I am writing this on a card to carry with me to court.  I am not trying to hurt you, because it is not my place to punish you.  I believe that your lies will be discovered in one way or another.  It is my place to make sure the truth is told to the best of my ability and that a father is not taken away from his children for unjust cause.  As far as you and I are concerned, I must forgive you because if I do not I carry the burden in my heart and I am wary of it already.  I cast it aside and walk away.  I am done.  You have made a mess with your lies and now you will have to live with it.   

I am a big stinkin' loser.....

Remember, my Friday post- I said I had to do the door prizes for the bingo night at school.  Guess what I forgot to do.  I get a phone call at 7 PM tonight, being asked where the prizes were.  SO here I am, sick and out of it, rushing to Target to buy plastic cups and candy.  In less than 30 minutes, I go to the store, buy stuff, drive 8 miles to school, fill 20 plastic cups with candy and deliver them to the committee.  Yes, I can pull rabbits out of a hat, also.  I am faced with the question of whether I can handle the secretary job or not.  I am not going to resign over some cups of candy, but it is a wake-up call that I desperately needed.

I have been neglecting a lot of things lately.  Just little things that I used to do- cards, remembering birthdays, getting a real dinner on the table in a timely fashion.  I have not gotten my time organized yet, and I absolutely have to.  I don't like the disorganized person I have become lately and I really need to focus on fixing that.

day off...

cleaning bedrooms

doing laundry

ironing

making cupcakes

filling cups with candy for bingo tomorrow (I'm not going to bingo, but have to contribute)

getting mailing for craft fair together

UPDATE- read above post- I had many phone calls, my BIL was in the ER, I had limited time to get anything done and there ya have it.....

Dear ****,

You are truly unbelievable.  I can't understand why you choose to do what you do.  I think that by subpoenaing your mother in law, the gloves are off.  You want a fight, I think you loathed husband is ready to give you one.  You can't see that for the  past year he has been protecting you- mainly from yourself.  By pushing for all this money that doesn't exist, you have effectively run him out of business and jeopardized your children's future.  Did you know his lawyers are encouraging him to use college fund money to pay you now?  Every time I think you have hit an all time low, something else happens that digs you deeper.  

Susan

PS- you do know that you actually have to PAY the bills with the money you're given, right?  You do know how to pay bills, don't you?

rollercoaster......

3:20- sullen, fighting with Zachary

3:40- cooperative (did sit ups w/out being told)

4:20- running around outside, happy

4:45- demanding and pushy, begging to have neighbor go to karate (Z's class) with us

4:50- fine- goes running to car to leave

4:52- crying because other neighbor is not allowed to come to karate (how am I supposed to let girl #2 come if I already said no to girl #1)

5:16- fine, playing her DS and reading a magazine over my shoulder

5:20- announces "my life is sweet" because she found $2 in her purse and wants to buy a Gatorade

6:00- upset because the two neighbors are together and she can't join because she needs to do homework

6:20- refuses to do homework or the rest of her karate practice because girl #2 is not here, she's at girl #1's house

6:53- still in her room, but no longer screaming

I have a feeling puberty will not treat us kindly.......

What a big pretzel you have....

Times Square

I think she smiled twice the entire trip...

A family shot at Rockefeller Center

These are from our pre-Christmas trip to New York.  In 2008, we visited Maine, New Hampshire, New York, Georgia (twice).......  Of course, we went through ever state on the East coast in the process (except FL).

bullies and other stuff

I think everyone as had to deal with bullies (or has been one) in their lifetime.  It is so hard to watch children struggle with this, especially girls.  Girl bullies are very different from boy bullies.  Boys may rely solely on physical strength to manipulate.  Girls are psychological, strategic and down right mean.  Some are so talented, that no one notices on the surface that they are bullies.

Over the past couple of years, we have had to deal with several incidences of meanness and bullying.  Mostly with the neighbor.   Helen is finally seeing it for what it is.  As she says, "I'll be nice because I have to live next to her, but I don't trust her."  Well put, my smart girl.  This has been a slow process, however, with lots of tears and fights.   I'm just glad she is starting to see it for what it really is.  I just wonder, what do you do when the bully is someone you can't get away from- like a co worker or a family member?  The are some "old" bullies out there......

my day off.......

what am I doing?  Not much- I am folding and putting away laundry, going to the grocery store to get cheese and bananas, stopping by work for an hour or so- I want to finish some things, and stopping by a birthday party for a one year old.  Then I will pick up H & Z.  For movie night, we will be watching......Chrissa (David will be very bored).  This is the American Girl of the year.  Helen wants the doll for her birthday.  It is more than we typically spend on birthday presents, but I told her if she had a simple party this year, she may be able to get it.   So she is having a sleepover with 5 friends.  She wants to roast hot dogs and make smores in the back yard.  If it is warm enough, she wants to sleep in the tent.  It is big enough for the girls and I will get the privilege of having to stay out there, too.  Now, I love camping, but sitting out in my own back yard doesn't sound that fun.   Her birthday is not until May, but she typically starts planning her party in July.  Right after she tells me what she's going to be for Halloween and what she wants for Christmas and she rarely ever changes her mind.  Well, I need to get a shower and fold clothes......

randomness

1. I don't understand football.

2. I hate Diet Pepsi.

3. I think most cheese smells like feet.

4. I really, really need to color my hair.

5. I wish I was taking karate, too.

Fondue pot...

I gave David a fondue pot for Christmas.  We have a very old one that uses Sterno to keep everything hot, but with two hyper kids and the fact that it scorches the food on the bottom, we wanted to "update".  Any way, I broker 'er in last night.  I made Mexican Dip (sorry, not a true fondue).  It was actually pretty tasty, although Helen would not eat it because of the tomatoes.  Zachary ate a big bowl of it in front of SpongeBob.  Here is the recipe, in case you live on Mars...

Mexican Dip (I halved the recipe)

1 pound Velveeta

1/2 tube Gimme Lean Sausage

1/2 can Rotel

Brown the fauxsage in a skillet, breaking it up into very small chunks.  Cut Velveeta into chunks.  Put all ingredients into the fondue pot and turn it to warm.  Sir every so often until it is all melty and delish.  I also added a scoop of fat free cream cheese (because Velveeta is SO low fat- NOT).  I also had leftovers on cornbread for breakfast.  David ate it and only complained a little that it was fake sausage.  If I wasn't eating it, he probably would never have guessed.

Tonight I used my left-over black eyed peas to make a "gumbo".  Nothing fancy, just beans, okra, a can of tomatoes and some veg broth.  Served with rice and left over kale.  Yum.  SO there you have what I ate today.

ALSO- Helen got her purple belt today.  She still has about 2 years, 3 months to go for her black belt and I don't think I'll survive it.  But, if she makes it, she will be an 11 year old who can kick your ass.

My sympathies.....

to the Travolta family.  I cannot imagine your pain, and I am so very sorry for your loss.  May God help you find the answers and peace that you seek.

food junk.....

Normally, Jamie Oliver irritates the snot out of me (I hate his lispy voice), but I have to admit that I am fan of his ideas for school cafeterias and our food supply.  Check out his junk.  He is really one smart fella.  You can view his show Fowl Dinner on YouTube.  I am sure American TV will never air this.  He is not anti-meat.  He is just speaking for better treatment and, therefore, better quality.  

Home again...

We got home about 8:30 last night.  We would have been home sooner, but Zachary yelled every time we passed a Cracker Barrel sign, so we finally stopped for lunch.  Then we had to wait for H & Z to play checkers.  It was an uneventful trip home, which is how I like it.  We took 85N home instead of 95N.  We stopped at a stand in Gaffney, SC and bought fig preserves, peach cider and Cheer Wine (cherry cola).  I really wanted some boiled peanuts, but knew I'd be the only one to eat them.  These people have no idea what they are missing.  Once upon a time I said I was going to grow Christmas trees and sell boiled peanuts and jelly in the summers.  And have a petting farm.  I actually had quite a plan.  But no money.....  The visit went well, my mother stuck to her favorite 3 topics (my father , my ex and herself) and did not stray- some things never change.

Any way, today we bought two gerbils- Snowball and Fudge.  I have my black eyed peas going in the crock pot.  Sweet potatoes will go in the oven soon, with the corn bread.  I still need to go pick up some greens (probably kale or collards, depending on what looks good).  I made a gallon of tea- we're all set.  The kids won't eat it though, so I'll make some nuggets or ham for them.

So Happy New Year to you all.  Hope 2009 brings you much joy, happiness and peace.