thinking about the old days....

I've been looking at Facebook lately and seeing names I used to know.  And of course, I think of how I used to be.  My dreams from youth are very different from the reality that I now live.  I had hoped to travel the world, go to parties, live in a big city.  I am 41 and haven't been very far from home.    I don't have many friends these days, much less get invited to lavish parties and I live in a town very not much bigger than the one I grew up in.   I was brave enough to pack up and move to California when I was 21, I couldn't do it now.

Somewhere along the way, I have lost myself.  My life has become one of expectations and deadlines.  I am that mom from school that seems to be everywhere and do everything because no one else wants to, but is often forgotten at the end of the day.  When you make a list of people and you just know you left someone out, but you can't figure out who, it is probably me.  I think at one time I was special.  I definitely stood out.  Unfortunately hearing negative messages from people who are supposed to love you tends to break one down.  No matter how many years pass, one never really gets over it.  That is my burden- I keep to myself and hide from the world.  I would never do anything that would draw attention or make me look stupid.  I miss a lot of fun that way.  It has been years since I got away from someone who wanted to keep me in "my place", but the other one is someone I can't escape, ever.  I tell myself that I am not who that person thinks I am, but I still hear those messages play in my head any way.  I wish I could go back to a time when it didn't bother me, when I thought all was great and wonderful, but it seems impossible.

Wow, this is  a vague and sad little post.  I am not depressed, this is just what I carry in my heart everyday.  I sometimes look at David and wonder if he is ashamed to be seen with me, too.  If there will ever be a time that he doesn't want anyone to know he is with me.  And I am so afraid of turning into my mother that I barely want to talk to her.  She is so very good at pointing out my shortcomings.  She even told me the other day that I need to take parenting classes.  This coming from the woman who neglected me most of my life and hit me with a barrage of verbal abuse every morning of high school.  I want to hang up on her- give her the "silent treatment" like she always did to me, then suddenly talk to her when I finally felt like it with no explanation......  Can you tell I am really angry?  Well, I am.