stronger......

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Probably a lot of truth to that statement. I know I am a strong person; I have the experience to back it up, too.

First of all, I was raised by a narcissistic mother. The only time I wasn't ignored, I was being punished. If that wasn't enough to mess me up, there is more. My siblings were all gone from home by the time I was 10. So I was on my own. Almost literally. I had to make most of my own decisions. There was not much in the way of support. My dad was very strict and he kept me balanced. He also made sure I kept my sense of humor.

When I was 15, I was assaulted on a family vacation- I really do not want to go into detail because I still don't like thinking about it, but I was very, very cautious for a very long time. In one way, it is a blessing, because it made me more aware of those around me and, I think, kept something worse from happening to both myself and my friends in the future.

People I have loved have left me.

I have battled issues with too much alcohol. I have been depressed.

I spent six years married to someone who, on some days was my best friend. On others, I had no idea who the hell he was. Sometimes it was scary and I was in fear much of the time, especially toward the end.

Most of my adult life has been spent away from my hometown and family. This has been partly because I felt like there was nothing for me in Covington and I never wanted to go back. But it has also been hard because I have missed so much.

I have lost two children. One would be turning 15 this month. If the other had been born, I wouldn't have Helen. I also almost lost the two children I have- one in childbirth, the other at one month. Seeing my baby on life support is one of the hardest things I have ever faced. Sometimes I wonder if Helen's challenges are the result birth trauma.

Currently I struggle daily with being a good mother, a good wife, a good teacher. Trying to balance it all is hard work. Sometimes I dream of a day off. From it all. I'd never wish it all gone. But a day in the sun, hearing the ocean, drinking rum....... would be a nice break from having to be strong all the damn time.