I have a history of mental illness. Not me personally, although I'm sure I could use some serious therapy right now. No, I merely attract crazy people. And just when I think I'm free, I realize there is another one waiting. Maybe having been raised by my parents (Mom is clearly an undiagnosed SOMETHING; my Dad was either nuts himself, or a glutton for punishment) was preparation for raising an unstable person. I dunno. All I know is that the Bipolar Express is a one way ticket to no where. There are no stops; you only get off if you leap. And when your child is the conductor, you can never leave- you must ride it out indefinitely, one hand on the emergency brake. And Tom Hanks is NOT bringing you hot chocolate. Ever.
SO the following is what one must keep in mind:
1. Never take it personal, no matter what.
2. Remember that the person cannot help it.
3. You will have to hand hold even when she is screaming at you to go away.
4. Brace yourself to be cursed at every time you must ask her to do something, change her plans, wake up......
5. There will be days that she is bouncing off walls and talking 500 mph. Then tomorrow she will not get off the couch.
6. You will have your every flaw pointed out to you. Regularly. Even if she has to make some up to suit the occasion.
7. She will tell your secrets- guard them carefully. Never share more than necessary. It will bite you in the ass.
8. She will be very nice when she wants something.
9. She will lie and manipulate. And for the love of Pete- don't make her jealous.
10. Grudges will be held. For years.
11. Be prepared to give something for nothing.
12. Abandon all your notions of how you thought you would raise your children. All bets are off.
13. You will never feel in control.
14. Take care of yourself or the stress of living in a war zone will kill you.
There. Sounds awful? Some days are Hell. Too many bad memories on top if it all. It feels weird to have your child treat you the same way your mother did. If we are "having a good day" it is always subject to change on a dime- we are always waiting for the other boot to drop.
So I'm sorry if I don't remember to mail things, return calls, pick up something, be a good friend....... I am simply too worn out. You see, I have no one. I am it. This child has shunned her father for whatever trumped up imagined reason that no one else understands. So he cannot help shoulder the burden. My in laws help when they can, but I don't think they get the full extent of what we deal with every day because she is"sweet" when visiting (of course she is- nothing is asked of her). Outside of that I have no other family, and only a handful of friends I can speak honestly with. If you know someone who loves a person with a mental illness, give him a hug the next time you see him...it may be the only kindness he sees that day.
1 comment:
I feel you. I ride that train my sister who I am VERY close to. Several years ago she tried to commit suicide. the only good thing that came out of that was the education we as a family received while she was in treatment. We always thought she should "just get over it". We learned how stupid we were. We also learned how to tell when maybe she forgot her medicine or when it might be time to change medicine. I feel for you. I really do. I can't imagine having to go through that with my child and having my heart ripped out everyday. love and hugs.
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