Backwards

Epiphany.  Light bulb moment.  Whatever.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have much on my plate and minions who defy me (for their own pleasure?) at every turn.  I used to be very on top of ot, but never made time for myself.  Then I went back to work, and REALLY never made time for myself.  I put everything into my job and let home fall apart because I had no control over home.  Then work went to hell in a hand basket and I have spent the past 3 years just trying to stay afloat and not turn into a raging alcoholic.

Today, as I was driving home from a Boy Scout drop off (did I mention the 2 am panic attack?)  I realized I have it backward.  If can take care of myself first, everything else should fall into place......We'll see.  I just know I need several things in order to function better: exercise, clean food, routine, rest and peace.  Clean food is resolving itself for the most part, and the introduction of routine and a schedule will make it a solid habit.  Routines will fix most of my issues...... I used to live by a schedule. Somewhere I stopped, and I stopped functioning.

I've been writing it for years- what I want to do, what I need to do.  But I was not sure how to make it happen.  But I realize that I am the the trying to hold it together while those around me try to beat it down.   It starts with me, and I will have to be a willow in the storm.  I had it backwards and was all wrong.

Or maybe I can be a whomping willow instead.....

Money Well Spent

Zachary made me do it. I had a coupon.  And it was on super-sale- I think I only paid $10 for the dispenser plus soap.  I've had it since June and am still using the original soap.....  the thing I like best?  I know the top is not covered in raw chicken.  I cannot STAND touching a soap dispenser that I KNOW is tainted.  Just. Can't. Do. It.  So yes, if you see me leaving a public rest room, chances are I did not use soap.  Truth.  I have hand sanitizer for that.  And I know that whatever lurks on that soap is nastier than anything else I may have just touched.  

SO, if you don't have one of these in your kitchen and you are OCD, I highly recommend you pick one up.  And the Mandarin Orange soap smells yummy.

Good Intentions

My last post was about detoxing my kids.  I still very much want to do that.  I have not been successful. Zachary did a month with no processed food (he had some slips, but that's ok)..... he felt better and his stomach problems disappeared.  Now the symptoms are back and I'm more convinced than ever he needs to be gluten free.  SO hard because it is in everything.  And he loves bread.

Helen is the bigger challenge.  On one hand, she wants to be healthy and knows we are right about processed foods.  Then somethings clicks over and she wants Oreos and pizza.......  So, I need to find a way to make it work.  I've been trying for years and coming up with nothing.  Plus all this darn ice/snow/freezing temps are getting to me...... haven't been to the gym in a month!

So another big part of my problem is alack of schedule and order.  I have kinda given up trying to have a routine and a clean house because it has felt like fighting a losing battle.  But I know I need to put on the big girl panties and be the adult, even if everyone hates me for it.  No more hitting the snooze bar and staying in bed until the last minute (because this cheats me out of time to take care of dishes and have a clean living room).  And an amazing thing happened yesterday.  I scrubbed the kitchen and my child commented on it and put all his dishes in the dishwasher!!!!!!

And clutter- OH MY GOD, the CLUTTER!  I know you cannot organize clutter.  You end up just moving it around, but I have not been on top of it for some time now and it has taken on a life of its own.  Recently I painted Helen's room. When we did this,I packed up everything and took it from her room.  We only put back the things she wanted to keep.  I set up a 4 cube unit next to her bed to serve as a night stand and storage for her art and camera supplies.  I purchased a rolling cart for her lotions, perfumes, etc.  I organized her jewelry and clothes- I think I need to specialize in setting up functional spaces for the unfunctional, lol.  It has been so easy to keep clean.  The only room in the house, mind you, but got to start somewhere. 

Food as a Cure

Ok, if you have read much of anything I write, you already know how I feel about food and its effect on the body.  I am far from perfect and sometimes the demons make me drink more than I should or eat ice cream.  I am horribly flawed.  But I am very aware of how my vices make me feel afterward.  I will have a hangover, whether alcohol, sugar or dairy product induced.

That said, I do try. I eat healthier than most people, even if I do not have the body to prove it.  So it angers me when I hear people complain about doing without the foods that make them feel like shit.  Lactose intolerant? Then don't have it in your house.  Avoid the pizza parlor and Cold Stone. Oh, it's your child?  Well, then, I'm sorry to tell you this, but if you are giving your child food that you KNOW is making them sick, it is abuse.  I'm not talking the occasional trip to the McDonald's or the candy feast at Halloween. Free range on vacation is the thing my kids look forward to the most.  I am talking the most basic every day here.  If you know your child is sensitive or allergic, don't buy it.  And yes, I know how hard it is.  I have stubborn children, one of which is absolutely in denial about nutrition.  You cannot force feed them veggies, but you do not need to keep an endless supply of soda and candy in your house, either.  Eventually they will get hungry.

And now that vacation is over, school is about to resume. It is time to get back into routines and schedules.  It is also time to detox my son.  He has been steadily sneaking in more and more junk. Funny thing is, the daughter is carrying too much weight. Her problem stems from quantity and low activity more than choices.  He is eating wrong.  And I have a gut feeling that he really needs to be grain free.  And I know for a fact he is lactose intolerant because doctor said so after one of his endoscopes.  

So my New (school) Year Resolution is to detox my kids, have regular meals at the table as much as possible and hit that gym.  I have 50 more pounds to go and I really want to get it off before next summer....I want my kids to be healthy and I want to be healthy for them.

13, dammit

Wow- I feel like I have lost much time! Here goes!!
1.  Much of my time in Georgia is unproductive.
2.  Also, I was doing pretty good with sticking to whole foods, until about Thursday.
3.  I can see very clearly HOW I ended up with food issues.
4.  Everything involving my mom is centered on food, body image and criticism.
5.  No wonder I ate ice cream ;)
6.  And any subject can lead back to my dad!
7.  It could be a game- 6 degrees of Lanier.......
8.  SO my kids refusing to go to bed, plus her refusing to stop talking makes for one. very. exhausted. me.
9.  I missed my precious. And by my precious, I mean my bed.
10. David is not NEARLY as wiggly as the kids,and I spent 10 nights sleeping with one or the other.....
11. Did I mention my mother DOMINATED my time?
12.  Well, she did....... hours and hours of it.
13.  I miss my family, but to be honest, I could not have handled my mom AND Helen.

13 13 13

*better late than never*
1. this trip was probably the easiest drive ever.
2. no rain, no traffic or road work.
3. and, most importantly, no car trouble!
4. traveling with food concerns and no plan is not recommended, though.
5.  i ate crap and am paying for it......
6.  had sausage croissant, sweet wine, cheese, bites of zachary's coca cola cake, ketchup, a piece of candy, sonic chili cheese tots.........
7.  and now my stomach hurts and i feel yucky.
8. i will be better prepared for the return trip.
9. i also hate it that my desire to be healthy and eat real food is seen as picky or inconvenient by others.
10.  in order to please people around me or make things easier for them, i compromise myself.
11. don't see how this is fair.  and then i feel defensive.
12.  i wish i had a handy explanation- like celiac or true allergies.....
13. or maybe if i could get a doctor to take me seriously.

Dishonesty in Children's Sports

My children play sports.  Zachary has participated in: soccer,baseball,lacrosse, football, rugby, swimming, tennis, basketball.......  We have always had to provide birth certificates,etc. for him to play.  Once I did lie about his age- to play up...... and that was because coach told me to (he was well past "scoopers" for lacrosse when he was 7). He is a solid "b" team player- he could probably make a team, but we love the team he is currently on.

I have come to realize that in tournaments there is MUCH dishonesty.  People play their kids down- 13 year olds competing against 10 and 11 year olds; AA kids playing against B kids...... Zachary is one of the older ones on the team,and is a big kid....... red flags go up when there is someone towering over him on the field.  Then we start to find these kids are on rosters for AA 13U teams..... and that real team members were told to not attend this tourney and new ones were recruited.  For what? A t-shirt?  Last year there was a tourney in which Zachary's team was undefeated, until the final game- against a AA team. Not fairly matched, we knew what the outcome would be before the game began. A good comparison is this: Baltimore Ravens vs. Podunk Middle school.  Not fair. 

Who benefits from this playing down?  The team who is appropriately stacked gets their butts whooped up and down a field and feels frustrated and deflated.  The ones who have used questionable tactics to build a winning team score goal after goal and do they REALLY get  a true sense of championship?  Is it that important to win?  The emphasis should really be on sportsmanship and skill, not an easy win.  

The kids are not the ones at fault here.  I blame parents and coaches.  I would never let my kid play down (in fact we have been asked and said no).  Parents who do this- you are teaching your kid to shoot fish in a barrel, to keep using the bumpers when you bowl, to CHEAT, to take the easy class, to get something for nothing.......  Exactly who's self esteem are you trying to build?  Does it make you feel good that your kid played and won an easy game??  How about you make them rise to a challenge instead?  

And Lacrosse officials- do what other sports have had to do- all members must register with a valid picture ID and show proof of age.  No player can be on more than one level- and they are registered to a team so it is known that they are AA, A or B, etc..... 

Camping Recap

Trip was a success.  Pizza Chicken packs were a hit (Helen said she wished she had more).  We had food left over, but since we were able to keep everything adequately chilled, Z can have hot dogs for dinner. Helen and I will be having our girls' and moms' dinner at a local Mexican restaurant.  I am close friends with the mothers; Helen has been friends with the daughters since kindergarten. They are going to different high schools, but we want them to stay in touch.  When we have these dinners, the girls have their own table and it really is nice.

I will post pictures of the trip and a rant about children's sports later.  Today is busy as I am trying to get things in order for the pilgrimage tomorrow.   Car needs attention, I need to order Helen's uniforms and shoes, laundry needs to be done.   I have not packed, but the camping clothes will not be Georgia clothes,so I'm good there!  Want to make sure David has clean, ironed clothes and some food.  Need to clean the bathrooms and vacuum.  So,busy busy busy.......But just so the post is not totally void, here is a picture.....

I love that he looks like he is smiling.

Camping 2014

We haven't gone camping for a while. I always take too much food, so I am trying to be more practical this time. Plus we have special considerations.  Helen is a (new) vegetarian, Zachary is always hungry and David and I are sticking to "real" food as much as possible. So, this is what I have:

cheese, boiled eggs, hot dogs (veggie and applegate)

chopped lettuce, chili, chocolate (for s'mores)
and "pizza chicken"

cherries,snap peas,cauliflower,peppers, etc- all washed and ready to use

bread, crackers, poptarts (Zach has to be on field at 7:15 AM,so sue me), fruit cups (no sugar),
apples and bananas,and marshmallows (also for s'mores- I am human)

Banana bread (I use Paula Deen's recipe, substituting gluten free flour mix from Namaste)

the master list- sorry it is sideways

And here is the recipe for Pizza Chicken Foil packs:

for each pack

one chicken breast (boneless, skinless)

Pizza sauce (try to find one with cleanest ingredients-I used Classico)

Provolone cheese

toppings- you could use anything- I used red peppers and spinach. olives and mushrooms would be good too)

Lay chicken on top of the foil, top with sauce (several TBS).  place cheese on top of the sauce and top with veggies.  Wrap into a packet. I froze mine and stored them in a zip lock.They will be thawed by the time we use them Friday. I also substituted Quorn fillet for Helen's chicken a labeled her pack with a big ol' H). I like these because they are soy and dairy free.  They also taste pretty good.

THIRTEEN

1.  Well, I promised stuff for planning a trip.
2.  As usual, life got in the way.
3.  No one else did anything to help get ready and I got overwhelmed.
4.  We have not been camping in 5 years.
5.  My flow is gone.
6.  I am also sort of dreading it.
7.  Someone has already made up her mind that it is going to suck, so therefore, it will.
8.  FIghts will be instigated- but I am not going to fall for it.
9.  My mantra for the weekend?
10.  "I'm sorry you think that."
11.  "You could have gone with Ozzy and Buddy to Grandma's"
12.  "In 4 years you can move out and never have to go anywhere with us again."
13 "Pass the rum."

un- post

I am only posting today because I have not posted all week.  It has been a week with lots of small things going on: laundry, painting, organizing, lax practice......  I am getting the camping trip together today and will (hopefully) have a full list and some pictures. I promise to have a 13 post tomorrow, then I am DOWN to the ocean, hon.  But I will have pictures when I return.....

Planning a Camping Trip

This week I will not really prep for the week.  I am going camping Thursday to Sunday, then I leave for Georgia on Tuesday.  That means I need to use what I have on hand. But I will to plan for the trips.  Pinterest is my go to for that sort of thing. Since I am planning for several food issues/preferences, I will need to be creative. Plus I do not want to take too much food.

So here are my plans:

Thursday-
Dinner- hobo packs (these can be customized- veggie burger for H, regular for us, plus veggies we like)

Friday-
Breakfast-SPAM and eggs (no spam for me), fruit, muffins
Lunch- fend for yourself (options- tuna, sardines,boiled eggs, pbj, crackers, muffins, fruit, nuts)
Supper- hot dogs, chili (veggie dog for helen, no chili), slaw

Saturday-
Breakfast- Poptarts, fruit, boiled eggs (z has to be on laxfield at 7:15)
Lunch- fend for yourself (options- tuna, sardines,boiled eggs, pbj, crackers, muffins, fruit, nuts)
Supper- out (we are close to Ocean City)

Sunday- breaking camp- eat whatever is leftover

I will be posting more as we prep and pack.  At least there is no tent needed this time- we are staying in a mini cabin.

Saturday Morning

Sleeping in once in a while is nice, but I still like to be up before everyone else. I can think, have coffee, not listen to anyone yelling..... I like to pretend I have control over my day and can do the things I want/need to do. Then people wake up and they have different ideas. *sigh*

this is not my deck, but wouldn't this be nice?

Today I need to plan and organize for the little camping trip we have coming up.  Laundry is calling.   I wanted to paint some trim and the bathroom door. And my dining room needs attention, desperately.  I want to smoke a roast for dinner, too.  I know I will get maybe one thing on that list done, but it's nice to think about, any way.

In the mean time, I am googling "vegetarian camping" to try to get ideas on what my child might eat.  I'm enjoying my coffee and the quiet.

Thai Chicken Coconut Soup

This soup was really good.  I adapted it from Miss Vickie's Big Book of Pressure Cooker Recipes.
4 chicken thighs, bone in, skin removed
1 TBS coconut oil
4 cups water
1 red bell pepper, chopped
8 baby bella mushrooms, chopped
1 yellow onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, pressed
1 can coconut milk, full fat
juice of 1 lime
salt to taste
3 TBS fish sauce (I use Red Boat because it is soy free)
big bunch cilantro, chiffonade

Heat coconut oil in the pressure cooker pot.  Brown chicken in coconut oil (you don't need to cook it, just brown it up a bit).  Remove from the the pot and set aside.  Add the chopped vegetables (but not cilantro) to the pot and saute briefly-again, not cooking all the way, just softening a bit. Add the water.  Remove chicken meat from the bone, and coarsely chop meat.  Add meat AND the bones to the pot.  Seal the pot and keep it on high until the rocker does its thing.  Turn down the heat to medium(that is usually where  the pressure remains high on mine- your stove may vary).  Cook for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and let pressure drop.  When you can open the pot, remove the bones, then add the chopped cilantro and coconut milk.  NOTE: the coconut milk will rise to the top if you refrigerate this soup- that's OK- just stir it and all is well.  It actually tastes better the next day!

How to do Whole30 at the Zoo

Today I took H & Z to the Maryland Zoo in Baltimore..... I hate buying  food in the zoo because it is really expensive, plus I would have no control over what I'm eating.  So we packed in today.....

I have tuna salad, lettuce leaves (to make wraps), Wholly Guacamole, cut up veggies and a Deer Park lime water......easy enough and I won't be ill later!

must be thursday....

Things I have stopped asking:

1. Why is there a lacrosse ball in the kitchen sink?
2. Why is your jock strap on the banister?
3. Doesn't anyone know how to use the trash can?
4. What IS that smell?
5. Can you let the dog out?
6. Where are my keys?
7. Did you brush your teeth?
8. Who wants a salad?
9. Am I the only person who knows how to replace the toiler paper roll?
10. Who broke that?
11. Why are shoes always in the hall?
12. Are you ready to go?
13. Why do you throw your trash under your bed?

Therapy Day

Part of the treatment plan for Helen includes therapy.  She goes bi-weekly.  And she will not go with her father, so I have to do it.  And I have to go in with her because she will tell her therapist everything is"fine" and nothing productive happens.  I hate this because I know she would get more from therapy without me in the room, but only if she shares.

So today her lack of maturity and acceptance of rules came up.  It really is the damnedest thing because this person who refuses to accept, acknowledge or ask for help, really is one of the most helpless individuals I have ever known.  So I am to give her chores (HA). We'll see how that works out, lol. Plus she has to do one nice thing for her father or reach out to him in some way.

I generally do not like therapy day becauses she is typically resistant to going.  "Why do I have to go to therapy?  It's so stupid." She says that about her psychiatrist and everything else we are supposed to do, too.  Bipolar is best treated using a 3 prong approach: therapy, medication and environment.  I am supposed to provide her with adequate sleep, structure, guidance and responsibility.  Yeah, no easy task when you are dealing with a person who doesn't want to admit they need these things. At least the meds are working.......

I just really need these two back to speaking.

David and Helen- graduation 2014

Food Prep Sunday

My weeks will not always be simple enough that I can prep on Sunday, but for now that is what I am calling it.  Today I will clean the fridge, shop and do some prep work.  Depending on the whims and mood of the lone child I have today (missing another lax tourney because it could have meant too long for someone to be home alone), I may have to spread it out over a couple of days (like last week).

I am trying to follow this plan from Melissa Joulwan.  This means I cook some veggies, some meats, a soup and some kind of stew.  Here's what's up for this week:

Boiled eggs                                      Mixed Roasted veggies                 Raw: cut up veggies, salad Sausage (making my own)               Thai Coconut Soup                                  greens
Beef stew                                         Roast chicken                                Snacks: almonds
Cauliflower Rice                             Baked sweet potatoes

in the oven

thai chicken soup

done!

someone will still say there is no food

this is how i keep track

beef stew

NoPotato Hashbrowns

NO pictures because I really didn't expect these to be any good.  I wanted hashbrowns, but I am not eating potatoes.  I did have some leftover spaghetti squash.  

To make some hashbrowns:

Heat some coconut oil in a skillet (I have a cast iron griddle).  Mix 1 egg with about 1 cup (eyeball it- you want wet squash, but not too eggy), season (I use Jane's Crazy salt).  Drop in mounds on hot skillet-flatten with your spoon.  Allow the hashbrowns to crisp until golden, then flip.  I ate mine with some heated marinara sauce, but salsa or ketchup would be good too.....

Things One Must Know in Order to Survive Riding the Bipolar Express

I have a history of mental illness.  Not me personally, although I'm sure I could use some serious therapy right now.  No, I merely attract crazy people.  And just when I think I'm free, I realize there is another one waiting.  Maybe having been raised by my parents (Mom is clearly an undiagnosed SOMETHING; my Dad was either nuts himself, or a glutton for punishment) was preparation for raising an unstable person. I dunno.  All I know is that the Bipolar Express is a one way ticket to no where.  There are no stops; you only get off if you leap. And when your child is the conductor,  you can never leave- you must ride it out indefinitely, one hand on the emergency brake.  And Tom Hanks is NOT bringing you hot chocolate. Ever.

SO the following is what one must keep in mind:

1. Never take it personal, no matter what.

2.  Remember that the person cannot help it.

3. You will have to hand hold even when she is screaming at you to go away.

4.  Brace yourself to be cursed at every time you must ask her to do something, change her plans, wake up......

5.  There will be days that she is bouncing off walls and talking 500 mph.  Then tomorrow she will not get off the couch.

6.  You will have your every flaw pointed out to you.  Regularly. Even if she has to make some up to suit the occasion.

7.  She will tell your secrets- guard them carefully.   Never share more than necessary.   It will bite you in the ass.

8.  She will be very nice when she wants something.

9.  She will lie and manipulate.  And for the love of Pete- don't make her jealous.

10. Grudges will be held.  For years.

11.  Be prepared to give something for nothing.  

12.  Abandon all your notions of how you thought you would raise your children.  All bets are off.

13.  You will never feel in control.

14.  Take care of yourself or the stress of living in a war zone will kill you.

There.  Sounds awful?   Some days are Hell.  Too many bad memories on top if it all.  It feels weird to have your child treat you the same way your mother did.  If we are "having a good day" it is always subject to change on a dime- we are always waiting for the other boot to drop. 

So I'm sorry if I don't remember to mail things, return calls, pick up something, be a good friend....... I am simply too worn out.  You see, I have no one. I am it.  This child has shunned her father for whatever trumped up imagined reason that no one else understands.  So he cannot help shoulder the burden.  My in laws help when they can, but I don't think they get the full extent of what we deal with every day because she is"sweet" when visiting (of course she is- nothing is asked of her).  Outside of that I have no other family, and only a handful of friends I can speak honestly with.  If you know someone who loves a person with a mental illness, give him a hug the next time you see him...it may be the only kindness he sees that  day.